


When It All Gets Too Much

by sweetaffliction



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-29
Updated: 2015-04-29
Packaged: 2018-03-26 09:52:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3846490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetaffliction/pseuds/sweetaffliction
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alternate ending to 5x12 because I prefer to live in a world where Ian and Mickey are still together and happy</p>
            </blockquote>





	When It All Gets Too Much

“Hey Mick,” Ian’s voice was soft, hearing him for the first time in days and being reassured that he was okay made Mickey want to break down and cry but he couldn’t do that. He had to be strong, he always had to be so fucking strong.  
  
“Where the fuck are you?” Mickey asked, he knew he sounded angry but he wasn’t, not really, he was just incredibly relieved and worried. He wondered sometimes when that had started, when worrying about Ian had become such an ingrained part of him. But it’s not like Ian was making it any easier when he kept leaving. _Leaving me_ , Mickey thought.  
  
“I’m home,” Ian said softly.  
  
“Alright stay right there. I’m coming.” Mickey rushed out the words as he hung up the phone and hopped out of bed, nearly tripping out the front door. He couldn’t move fast enough as he began to run down the street, he was worried that Ian might leave again, that he might leave him again if he didn’t get there fast enough.  
  
…  
  
“Find someone who loves you. That’s the most important thing.” That’s what his mother had said. _That’s Mickey_ , Ian thought, _Right? He loves me for who I am? He has to._ Ian could picture him running down the block, panicked that Ian would leave again if he didn’t get there fast enough. He had sounded so relieved on the phone. _He was worried. Because he doesn’t trust you_ , a nasty voice in the back of Ian’s head said. _No, because he cares about me_ , Ian reassured himself.  
  
Then Mickey was there. Staring at Ian where he sat on the porch.  
  
“Where have you been?” Mickey asked. His voice broke a little Ian noticed.  
  
“With my mom,” Ian tried to be casual, to not show how terrified he was. He didn’t know of what, of himself maybe.  
  
“I don’t want to take the pills.” Ian shot out. “They make me feel weird. Will you still want to be with me if I don’t take them.” It was a test, Ian knew it and Mickey might have too, but Mickey didn’t take the bait.  
  
“You have to take them Ian,” he sighed, “You do crazy shit when you don’t.”  
  
Ian nodded not really sure what he’d expected. He was crazy, he knew that. So why did it hurt so much to hear Mickey say it? He couldn’t be trusted without chemicals controlling his brain. When he barely felt human was the only time anyone thought he was okay.  
  
“What about if my meds conk out and I start doing crazy shit again? Or I can’t get out of bed for a month? What then? Will you still want to be with me then?”  
  
“Ian…” Mickey tried to interrupt, but Ian soldiered on.  
  
“What if I never feel like myself again? What if the meds change me? What then? What if it gets too hard? This is my life Mick. I don’t have a choice. You do. Is this really what you want?”  
  
“I want you,” Mickey said softly, “I love you.” He enunciated each word like a promise he would never break.  
  
Ian looked at him, too stunned to say anything for a few moments, “You’ve never said that to me before.”  
  
Mickey moved forward when Ian’s voice broke, but Ian moved back, he had to be sure. “Do you really mean that?” he asked.  
  
“Of course, you idiot,” Mickey replied sounding slightly offended that Ian even had to ask.  
  
Ian nodded again with tears welling up in his eyes, tears he wouldn’t let fall, “I love you too Mick.” God, how long had he wanted to say that? Probably since he was fifteen and terrified when Monica came crashing back into his life. It was always Monica.  
  
Mickey gave him a small smile and moved forward again. This time Ian let him. He let Mickey rub his hands up and down his arms, and Ian realized how cold he was because he wasn’t wearing a jacket and hadn’t been since he had run off with Monica. He forgot about that when Mickey pressed a small kiss to his lips and Ian just leaned into it resting his forehead against Mickey’s. _It would be so easy_ , he thought, _to just accept this and be with Mickey_. But he wasn’t done yet.  
  
Ian stepped back from Mickey’s embrace, “But you can’t fix me,” he started to argue and he felt the tears getting bigger, threatening to drop and push Ian off the ledge.  
  
“Ian…” Mickey began again.  
  
“No I know you Mick, you’re gonna want to fix me. But you can’t fix me. Because I’m not broken. I don’t need to be fixed. I’m me.” He was nearly shouting now. He turned away and rubbed at his eyes, _fuck_.  
  
“You’re right Ian,” Mickey agreed, “I can’t fix you. You’re not broken. But you do need some help.”  
  
“I can’t go through that again.” Ian wasn’t really sure which part he was referring to, the meds, the mania, the resulting crash? Maybe it was all of them.  
  
“You don’t have to do it alone,” Mickey promised.  
  
Ian smiled a little but then steeled himself before saying, “I can’t ask you to wait around for me to do my next crazy shit. It’s not fair to you.”  
  
“You don’t have to ask,” Mickey said reassuringly.  
  
Ian lifted his eyes from where they had been staring at the ground to meet Mickey’s. His voice wobbled when he asked, “You mean that?” He hated how vulnerable he sounded.  
  
“Shit Ian, don’t you get it?” Mickey said frustrated, “I’m gonna be here with you through it all. For better or worse. In sickness and in health.”  
  
Ian was speechless. He gave a small smile and said shyly with a raise of his eyebrows, “You gonna marry me Mick?”  
  
Mickey smiled back, blushing a little, “Maybe.”  
  
Ian just smiled, he didn’t know what to say. _Mickey will marry me one day_ , he thought, _We’ll go down to the courthouse and maybe even wear tuxes. We’ll be happy then_.  
  
Ian moved slowly to sit down on the porch and Mickey sat beside him, arranging himself so every inch of their sides were touching. Ian slowly rested his head on Mickey’s shoulder, and they were silent for a long time only listening to the sound of each other’s steady breathing while inhaling each other’s scents.  
  
Mickey smelled like he always did, like the soap Ian loved mixed with light sweat, and Ian found it all very comforting.  
  
Ian smelled different, _like the back of a stranger’s pickup truck_ , Mickey thought.  
  
“I don’t know who I am anymore,” Ian admitted so quietly that Mickey wasn’t sure if he was supposed to have heard.  
  
“You’re still you,” Mickey assured him.  
  
“Am I?” Ian asked, “My whole life I knew exactly who I was. Who I wanted to be.” Mickey was silent so Ian continued, “Officer Ian Gallagher had a nice ring to it. Well, the army’s kind of out the window now.”  
  
Mickey laughed lightly, “Yeah, you might have screwed that one up.”  
  
“But now,” Ian continued solemnly, “I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I’m going to do.”  
  
“Don’t worry,” Mickey reassured, “We’ll figure it out.”  
  
Ian sat up and looked Mickey in the eye, “But that’s the problem Mick, we can’t figure it out. I have to do that.”  
  
“Ian…”  
  
“No Mick listen,” Ian paused for a second, “I need to figure out what I’m gonna do now. And I…I need to know how to take care of myself without you. I can’t go through life relying on you to remind me to take my pills, and making sure I don’t take them on an empty stomach, and monitoring my moods waiting for the other shoe to drop. And I know I’ve been horrible to deal with, okay? So what does that leave you with? An emotionally abusive shell of a boyfriend who you have to make sure is okay every second of the day? I can’t make you do that. It’s not fair.”  
  
“I don’t care about any of that. I wanna help take care of you.” When Ian shook his head, Mickey insisted, “There’s nothing wrong with needing help Ian.”  
  
“I know,” Ian admitted, “I just… I need to figure out how to do this myself before I drag you into it.”  
  
“I’ve already been dragged into it, you know?” Mickey tried to joke.  
  
“Any more than you already have been,” Ian amended.  
  
Mickey nodded and was silent for a long time, taking in everything Ian had said.  
  
“Is this you breaking up with me?” he finally asked stiffly, not quite looking Ian in the eye.  
  
Ian stood up tried to explain, “No Mick… we’re not. I just need time,” Ian rambled before finishing lamely, “I…I don’t know.”  
  
“What does that mean?” Mickey bit out sarcastically.  
  
“I love you,” Ian said as if that could fix everything, as if that was an explanation.  
  
Mickey nodded, rubbing at his nose like he always did when he was about to cry, “Yeah…yeah.”  
  
Ian didn’t even bother to wipe away his tears now, “I…I don’t want to break up. I want to be with you. But I don’t know how to do that right now.”  
  
Mickey scoffed, almost laughing from how much he wanted to cry.  
  
“Please understand,” Ian pleaded, looking at Mickey with those puppy eyes as a few stray tears made their way down his cheeks.  
  
“Fuck,” Mickey whispered closing the foot of space between them and surging up to meet Ian’s lips. Ian kissed him back, it was soft and slow, it was a goodbye, it was an apology, it was an ‘I love you’ all wrapped into one, it was too much and not enough all at once. They broke away breathlessly after a few moments and just stared as they held onto each other.  
  
“We’re not breaking up.” Mickey said definitively, breaking the trance.  
  
‘We’re not?” Ian asked, sounding slightly surprised.  
  
“No, we’re not,” Mickey said confidently, “Because neither of us want to. So fuck that.”  
  
“But…” Ian tried to protest.  
  
“But what?” Mickey cut him off, “But you’ll hurt me? But you need to do this alone? That’s bullshit and you know it.”  
  
“No, I don’t want to break up,” Ian agreed, an air of desperation to his words as he willed Mickey to understand, “But I have to be able to figure this out.”  
  
“So you’ll figure it out. So I’ll back off.” Ian raised his eyebrows skeptically, and Mickey smiled a little, “Look, I know I’ve been overbearing, okay? I know I have to start trusting you to take care of yourself. But you have to Ian, you have to take care of yourself.”  
  
“I know,” Ian said in a small voice. “And I will,” he finished more confidently.  
  
“No more bullshit about not wanting to take your meds,” Mickey appealed.  
  
“Okay,” Ian agreed, “Okay.”  
  
“So I’ll trust you,” Mickey settled, and Ian accepted it. He believed that Mickey would trust him, that he would always be there with him, that they could do this.  
  
“You’ll take your meds,” Mickey continued, “And it’ll get easier and you’ll figure out what you want to do now. And we’ll be together,” he finished his speech passionately, emphasizing the last three words as if that promise would be enough to fix everything. And in that moment Ian believed it would be.  
  
“Together,” Ian repeated, tasting the word on his tongue. He moved forward to place a small kiss on Mickey’s lips. It was quick and soft this time, there was no urgency to it, it wasn’t a goodbye, it was a beginning.  
  
“You should go in and see your family,” Mickey said, nodding towards the door, “They’ve been worried sick about you.”  
  
“You could come in,” Ian offered, clearly not wanting to leave Mickey so soon after their reunion.  
  
“Yeah?” Mickey asked uncertainly.  
  
“Yeah, they’ll want to see you too,” Ian assured confidently, taking Mickey’s hand in his.  
  
“Okay,” Mickey agreed after a moment, letting Ian lead him towards the Gallagher’s front door. They walked in together.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!!! Come talk to me on tumblr @[elizataylar](http://elizataylar.tumblr.com/)


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